he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
