he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
