What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
