He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
