I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
