Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
