They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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