I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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