im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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