1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
