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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam

  (212): View more from New York

  enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.

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• (774): View more from Massachusetts

  and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  How did you break your hand eating pizza?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.

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• (806): View more from Texas

  I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.

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• (858): View more from California

  Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"

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• (480): View more from Arizona

  I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.

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• (843): View more from South Carolina

  While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation

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• (905): View more from Ontario

  Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.

  (517): View more from Michigan

  You need to get out of the house more

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Say thank you and give him a blowjob.

  Fav 0 98 1

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?

  Fav 0 49 33

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