My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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