He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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