You made me cry and you don't even care
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
