Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
