Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
