It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
