I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
