I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The struggles of a small town man whore
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
