Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
