I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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