She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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