today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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