You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
