my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
