Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
