i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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