I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
What a dumb baby whore.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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