i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Mom said you looked used
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
