Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Let's get the cat blown out
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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