We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
