I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
