Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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