After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
