How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
