She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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