Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
