My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
