So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
