Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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