Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
