Your face is a jimmy john
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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