i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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