so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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