I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
When are your genitals available?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
