highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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