After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
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