why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
