I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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