how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
