Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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