I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
