He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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