You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
