Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize